Someone left 0:07 on it.
Press the red one. It is the whole job.
- 0:07
- The most common residual we remove. Nobody waits for seven seconds. Nobody clears them either.
- 94%
- Of offenders interviewed said they "were going to come back for it." None were holding food.
- 1.2
- Average presses per job. The other 0.2 is why you hire a professional.
Four classes of leftover time
Every residual tells us what happened in that kitchen. We classify on arrival, before anyone touches the keypad.
| Class | On the display | What happened | Our response |
|---|---|---|---|
| I · Beep Dodge | 0:01 – 0:03 | The offender stood there for the whole cycle and pulled the door at the last second so it would not beep. Deliberate. | Single press. We leave a card. |
| II · Impatience | 0:04 – 0:15 | The food was hot enough. It was not hot enough. They know that now, at their desk. | Single press, same day. |
| III · Walk-Off | 0:16 – 0:59 | Somebody checked it, stirred it and decided against the rest. The plan was abandoned and so was the display. | Single press. Vacancy check first. |
| IV · Abandonment | 1:00 and up | Paused, not stopped. There may still be a lunch in there. It may have an owner. | Two technicians. One presses, one handles the conversation. |
A display blinking 12:00 after a power cut is not residual time. That is clock setting, a separate trade with its own licence. We can refer you.
What will it cost to make it say the time again?
Tell us what the display reads and where the unit lives. Quotes are binding until someone presses +30 sec.
- Class
- II
- Crew
- 1
- Quote
- $67
How a removal is carried out
The same five steps on every job, in this order. Step two exists because of an incident in 2009.
Read the display
The technician reads the residual aloud and writes it down. We do not estimate. 0:07 and 0:08 are different jobs.
Check for vacancy
We open the door and look inside. If there is food, the job becomes a Class IV and we stop to find out whose it is.
Press Stop/Clear
Once, with the pad of the index finger, held for no longer than it takes. On two-press models, the first press only cancels the pause.
Confirm the clock
We wait for the time of day to appear and check it against a watch. If it is wrong, see our note on clock setting.
Close the door
Quietly. The light goes off. The kitchen goes back to how it was before any of this happened.
Questions we get from the hallway
Could I just press the button myself?
You could. You have walked past it eleven times today and you have not. That is the market we serve.
Why not press Start and let it run down?
Running an empty microwave is hard on the magnetron and it beeps at the end, which is the thing everyone was avoiding. Operators who run it down are not specialists. We do not associate with them.
Do you find out who left it?
We are a removal firm, not an investigative one. That said, in an office of forty people it is always the same three, and one of them is standing behind you.
What if they put more time on after you leave?
They will. Ask about our weekly service plan. Most break rooms need a visit at 12:10, 12:40 and again at 3:15 for whoever reheats coffee.
Is the 0:07 still in there somewhere?
No. Cleared time is not stored, banked or returned to the customer. Please stop asking the technicians for it.
Careers in residual time
Four openings and a practical exam. The exam is one press.
Apprentice Presser
Entry · daysSupervised presses only. Year one is mostly watching.
Journeyman Remover
Class I–III · fieldOwn index finger required. Company vehicle after 500 clean presses.
Class IV Liaison
Senior · people-facingFinds out whose lunch it is. Does not press. Must be able to say "is this yours" without tone.
Night Technician
Hospital vending · 11–7Residuals left at 3 a.m. by people having a worse night than you. Be kind. Press once.
Clock Setter
Not usDifferent trade, different licence. Please stop applying here.
Press it the way you would on a job. You are being timed.
Benefits include free use of the break room microwave. You will clear it afterwards. We check.
Report a stranded display
Seen one? Do not touch the keypad. Fill this in and step away from the unit.
No report filed yet
Your work order will print here. Nothing is sent anywhere. Nobody is coming. This is a satire site and the button is right there.