Hurricane Cone Nudging
3 generators' worth of gas June 1 to November 30We lean on the forecast cone until it wobbles toward somebody else. Not valid after the 11 a.m. advisory.
Brewed withone spent sandbag, a sea grape leaf, spite
Greetings from the coven at
Hex &
Humidity
Dear neighbor,
Curses hold better in 94% humidity.
We're Southwest Florida's most reasonably priced coven. Hurricanes nudged, HOAs hexed, iguanas stood back up. The 3 p.m. storm just let out, so we're flying tonight.
Wish you were hexed.Marisol
Deliver to
- Anyone south of Tampa
- Lee, Collier & Charlotte counties
- Plus the Everglades, probably
Postmarked ahead of Halloween, October 31
The spell list
Six problems only Florida has
Every service is seasonal, because everything here is. Prices are firm unless you bring snacks.
HOA Counter-Curses
$40 per violation letter Year-roundThey fined you for a mailbox in the wrong beige. We make their sprinklers run at 3 a.m. forever.
Brewed witha certified letter, one beige paint chip, a retiree's patience
Love Bug Banishment
1 car wash token May and SeptemberClears your windshield, your grille and your will to live for one full trip up I-75.
Brewed witha dryer sheet, half a key lime, a prayer at the Alligator Alley toll
Snowbird Traffic Wards
$15 per mile November to AprilA mild glamour on US-41 that makes the left lane move. It wears off the moment someone spots an early-bird special.
Brewed withone Ohio license plate, a 4:30 dinner reservation
Iguana Reanimation
By the bucket Any night under 40°FWhen they freeze and drop out of the trees, we stand them back up. Most of them walk it off.
Brewed witha heat lamp, mango peel, a firm talking-to
Frizz-Proof Glamour
$25, or one pub sub Daily, before 3 p.m.Holds through a thunderstorm and a walk across a parking lot. Nothing holds through August.
Brewed withcoconut oil, hurricane-grade hairspray, denial
This week
The hex forecast
Check conditions before you fly. The 3 p.m. thunderstorm is not a forecast. It is a schedule.
| Day | High | Conditions | Broom advisory |
|---|---|---|---|
| Monday | 91°F feels 104° | Scattered curses after 3 p.m. | Grounded 3 to 4 p.m. |
| Tuesday | 90°F feels 103° | No-see-ums at dusk, visibility ironic | Clear to fly |
| Wednesday | 92°F feels 106° | King tide. Cauldrons may float. | Small craft advisory |
| Thursday | 89°F feels 101° | Cold front, according to rumor | Clear to fly |
| Halloween | 88°F feels 99° | Full coven turnout over the Gulf | Delays on the causeway |
Posted by order of the coven
Bylaws for witchcraft south of Tampa
- Cauldrons count as open flame under most condo rules. Brew on the lanai.
- Brooms are not street legal. Golf carts are, so we use golf carts.
- No spellwork during the 3 p.m. thunderstorm. Lightning has the right of way.
- Familiars over six feet long stay in the retention pond.
- Black robes are discouraged from May through October. Linen is fine. SPF 50 is mandatory.
- Full moon gatherings end by 9 p.m. Half the coven has an early tee time.
You asked
Questions from the public
Are you real witches?
No. This page is satire. We can't move a hurricane, fix your HOA or revive an iguana. The iguanas usually handle that themselves once it warms up.
Do you fly in the rain?
Only between storms. In summer that comes to about 20 minutes a day.
Is the gator a familiar?
He lives in the retention pond and attends every meeting. Nobody invited him. Nobody is going to ask him to leave.
Do you travel outside Southwest Florida?
We'll go as far as Tampa. Past that, the tolls eat the margin.